Chicago Business

Issue date: 5/25/06 Section: Humor

Hello my little Jaeger-mistresses and welcome to another edition of Topics. With this weekend's release of the "Da Vinci Code" movie (and after reading "Rule of Four"), I thought it was time that I made the readers work a bit and bury a hidden message in this periodical. At first, I thought I could buy off an editor to work a hidden rhythm into this issue's article by Nate Schaeferstein and send that Ginger Kid hack some business. But, as we've covered in the past, other than taking free cookies from the Coffee Hour's host in exchange for mouthpiecedness, the editors at ChiBus don't accept bribes. So, in the spirit of the aforementioned books and movie, I've decided to imbed a secret correspondence in this very article. As far as you know, I've written this week's column such that reading only the first letter of the third word of every second sentence (132) beginning with the next paragraph spells out a special message for the hardcore. By the way, 132 just so happens to be the number of 2nd year chicks who have rejected my "you're graduating soon, so you won't have to regret it for that long" pick-up line at DisOrientation events…….

Speaking of going to DisO events, I'd like to give a quick shout-out to the folks who I adore but won't see for a few months, just so they know I'm thinking of them: Punk-Ass, Phil, Skii (pronounced "sky"), Halo, Hot Stuff, BAMF, Smoke Dawg, Honey, Baby, Sweetie Pie, Kitten, Cuddlecakes, Darlin', Kiddo, Wang, Chang, Fresh, Penny and Johnny Cakes. In an attempt to show my love for them, I'm going to try to match my ensuing digressions to each of these people, in order. However, I expect the opium will kick in around the 3rd or 4th comment, so my digressions may even digress from themselves……whoa, that's deep.

Sometimes I think that I'd like to find a nice girl, move in with her, and might wanna get married one day to try and start a family. Then I think that marriage is only something you should do if you ever find yourself thinking, "Wow, I have way too much shit - I would *love* to give up half of my belongings within the next 10 years."

Tostito's Scoops may be the greatest invention ever. Like television and the Internet before them, I'm excited to see how Scoops are used for porn.

After, "Girl, you look so good, I wanna sop you up with a biscuit" (which, I suppose, implies the guy's biscuit should be dipped into the girl's gravy? I dunno, you tell me), I'm voting for "Hi, I'm the captain of Duke's Lacrosse team" as the second worse pick-up line ever.

Continued...

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