The Hardcore Adventures of Punk Ass
Punk Ass Answers Questions from the MailBag
Adam Ackerman
Issue date: 4/14/05 Section: Humor
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Checking the Mail
In this week's edition of the Hardcore Adventures we open up the Punk Ass mailbag. A mailbag column is the last resort of humor writers who can't think up a clever theme to unify all the topics they want to discuss. This is especially true for one in which all the letters except the first one are completely made up.
Our first entry comes from a recently admitted student whose name has been withheld to protect the stunningly confused:
Punk Ass:
I read the article entitled "GSB to Relocate Campus to South Beach" on ChiBus. You are not serious, are you? It is a hoax. The article with direct quotes from the Dean and several other individuals sounded like it was real. Could you help clarify it for me and other recently admitted students?
-- Slipped through the cracks
Dear Slipped Through the Cracks,
Umm... yeah. This was a hoax. You know, like when someone from admissions called to tell you that you'd been admitted to the GSB. Sorry it took so long to get back to you; hopefully you haven't gone apartment hunting in Miami yet. If you Google "April Fool" you can learn more about this topic. But don't click on "Images" at the top of the page, because your picture may come up.
Punk Ass:
The Roman Catholic Church's College of Cardinals is preparing to select a new Holy Father this week. Those of us who were tricked into watching the disgraceful travishamockery that was Godfather III understand how the selection process works. But could you please explain the process for choosing the new pope's name? Which name is likely to be chosen? While you're at it, who would your choice be for the next pope?
-- Eagerly Watching Rome
Dear Eagerly,
While there are many qualified candidates available to fill the position, it is with great pleasure that we officially endorse Paul O'Neill as the Punk Ass nominee. No, not the former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, Starting Rightfielder Number 21 Paul O'Neill. Paul has all of the qualities a religious leader needs: he's a born leader and a champion of the people, with 5 World Series rings in 6 appearances. He's also cool under pressure, inspirational, always willing to play hurt or take one for the team, and relentless in pursuit of his goals. Most importantly, he took the AL batting title in 1994 and hit .474 in the 2000 Subway Series.
In this week's edition of the Hardcore Adventures we open up the Punk Ass mailbag. A mailbag column is the last resort of humor writers who can't think up a clever theme to unify all the topics they want to discuss. This is especially true for one in which all the letters except the first one are completely made up.
Our first entry comes from a recently admitted student whose name has been withheld to protect the stunningly confused:
Punk Ass:
I read the article entitled "GSB to Relocate Campus to South Beach" on ChiBus. You are not serious, are you? It is a hoax. The article with direct quotes from the Dean and several other individuals sounded like it was real. Could you help clarify it for me and other recently admitted students?
-- Slipped through the cracks
Dear Slipped Through the Cracks,
Umm... yeah. This was a hoax. You know, like when someone from admissions called to tell you that you'd been admitted to the GSB. Sorry it took so long to get back to you; hopefully you haven't gone apartment hunting in Miami yet. If you Google "April Fool" you can learn more about this topic. But don't click on "Images" at the top of the page, because your picture may come up.
Punk Ass:
The Roman Catholic Church's College of Cardinals is preparing to select a new Holy Father this week. Those of us who were tricked into watching the disgraceful travishamockery that was Godfather III understand how the selection process works. But could you please explain the process for choosing the new pope's name? Which name is likely to be chosen? While you're at it, who would your choice be for the next pope?
-- Eagerly Watching Rome
Dear Eagerly,
While there are many qualified candidates available to fill the position, it is with great pleasure that we officially endorse Paul O'Neill as the Punk Ass nominee. No, not the former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, Starting Rightfielder Number 21 Paul O'Neill. Paul has all of the qualities a religious leader needs: he's a born leader and a champion of the people, with 5 World Series rings in 6 appearances. He's also cool under pressure, inspirational, always willing to play hurt or take one for the team, and relentless in pursuit of his goals. Most importantly, he took the AL batting title in 1994 and hit .474 in the 2000 Subway Series.