The 7th Level of GSB Hell
Dry-Humping For Dummies
Paul Jan
Issue date: 4/14/05 Section: Humor
- Page 1 of 1
If it weren't for the chafing, I think dry-humping would be much more popular than it actually is. Sure, this is a bit like saying that if it weren't for the tar, smoking would be much more popular, but the last time I checked, dry-humping doesn't result in lung disease. It may cause a bit of chafing (if done earnestly), and some chafing, while uncomfortable, is a small price to pay for a good dry-hump. You probably haven't dry-humped since junior high, but if you get the chance to engage in this most under-rated of juvenile acts, I encourage you to partake.
Seriously, when's the last time you dry-humped someone? I, for one, can't remember the last time I dry-humped another human being, it's been so long. Not that I wouldn't if given another chance: dry-humping confers all sorts of benefits e.g. 100% of the intimacy and the aerobic activity, without any of the fuss e.g. STDs, pregnancy, and post-coital cuddling.
If I would have asked you, before you started reading this article, if you thought it would be possible for me to devote an entire column to dry-humping, you would have probably said "No way." But then, you didn't count on the fact that you're dealing with the Janimal. When it comes to dry-humping, I bringeth the heat. And as the entire Chicago GSB knows, when it comes to bringing the heat, I am a very sexy, and very affordable, 3.6 cu. ft., self-cleaning, electric range. Believe it.
Let's start with appropriate attire for a dry-humping session. If you plan for a quick five-minute hump, you're probably okay with something loose and not terribly breathable. I'm thinking a pair of jeans and maybe a 50/50 cotton/polyester blended t-shirt. Since you'll only be going five minutes, you want to enjoy yourself without having to spend a lot of money or time on picking the right outfit for the occasion.
It starts getting tricky when you think you could go the distance, however: I'm talking at least a good half hour. As I mentioned before, dry-humping, done right, should be performed with vigor, the type that results in a little sweat and a lot of talking dirty. In this case, you don't want something too loose or too coarse, because you'll start chafing at about the ten-minute mark. You don't want to be 1/3 of the way around only to discover that the chafe-monster will be making an early appearance. Likewise, since you'll be sweating like a whore in church, you'll want something breathable, made of materials that wick away moisture.
As a one-time self-proclaimed dry-humping champion of Pittsburgh, PA, I've never gone wrong with a pair of 100% cotton sweatpants and a training top made with something fancy-sounding like Microweave or Gore-Tex. The important consideration is that you get superior moisture management with a slip-on feel for added comfort. If you're getting freaky in colder climes, you'll also want maximum thermal protection during your dry-hump. It may be hot and heavy for that half hour, but it'll get cold when you're done.
Mind you, the clothes shouldn't fit too tight, as the mark of a practiced dry-humper is creativity in movement. If you find yourself restricted by your attire, you may want to think about investing in some performance gear.
Another thing you may want to think about is setting the mood. Most of the time, you won't be able to plan your dry-hump, as these things tend to be a bit spontaneous, and if done right, a bit frantic as well, but you might be able to, on occasion, put on some music and get your parents out of the house (for those of you who still live at home). In these situations, may I suggest that you have some Metallica on hand, or, if you and your partner are planning on getting really nasty, some NIN, Slipknot, or Marilyn Manson. The key is that the music matches the mood of your dry-humping, so if you're really disturbed, you can put on some Mannheim Steamroller or perhaps even Enya; just don't tell your friends about it because they'll think that you're pretty much a loser. Also, absolutely no Journey or Styx: you want to dry-hump again, don't you?
Dry-humping to the sweet, sweet sounds of REO Speedwagon may differentiate you from the dry-humping schlubs out there, but while the mark of a good dry-humper is creativity in movement, a great dry-humper knows how to incorporate inanimate objects into his/her repertoire. For example, I prefer furniture e.g. chandeliers, night-stands, and beanbag chairs to highlight my personal dry-humping style, others will go with consumer durables (e.g., refrigerators and air conditioning units) or kitchenware (e.g., relish trays and breakfast caddies). The point is that you should find props that make you comfortable, and differentiate you from everyone else. You want him/her to come back for rounds 2, 3, and 4? Well he/she is not going to come back for some uninspired dry-humping: you have only one chance to wow him/her - don't blow it.
Now that I've armed you with some serious dry-humping info, you're almost ready to embark on a marathon humping session, with the exception that, before you engage in this most under-rated act of physical intimacy, you should be in peak condition. For me, this means that I put in a solid eighty minutes of work-out time every day: twenty with resistance-training, and sixty with low-impact cardio. Some people emphasize strength and so spend more time with the weights; I place a greater premium on intensity and endurance so spend less time lifting and more time running. You should find the right balance for you.
Lastly, like anything else, there are appropriate times and places to get your dry-hump on. I've included a table highlighting some common and not-so-common venues; use it with discretion. The great thing about dry-humping is that it's pretty much legal anywhere and everywhere; but just because you can doesn't mean that you should. Consider not only the immediate implications of your behavior, but also the context of your surroundings and the likelihood that you'll be arrested for gross and disorderly misconduct (even if 5-0 can't bust you for indecent exposure).
Seriously, when's the last time you dry-humped someone? I, for one, can't remember the last time I dry-humped another human being, it's been so long. Not that I wouldn't if given another chance: dry-humping confers all sorts of benefits e.g. 100% of the intimacy and the aerobic activity, without any of the fuss e.g. STDs, pregnancy, and post-coital cuddling.
If I would have asked you, before you started reading this article, if you thought it would be possible for me to devote an entire column to dry-humping, you would have probably said "No way." But then, you didn't count on the fact that you're dealing with the Janimal. When it comes to dry-humping, I bringeth the heat. And as the entire Chicago GSB knows, when it comes to bringing the heat, I am a very sexy, and very affordable, 3.6 cu. ft., self-cleaning, electric range. Believe it.
 Practice on a mannequin |
Let's start with appropriate attire for a dry-humping session. If you plan for a quick five-minute hump, you're probably okay with something loose and not terribly breathable. I'm thinking a pair of jeans and maybe a 50/50 cotton/polyester blended t-shirt. Since you'll only be going five minutes, you want to enjoy yourself without having to spend a lot of money or time on picking the right outfit for the occasion.
It starts getting tricky when you think you could go the distance, however: I'm talking at least a good half hour. As I mentioned before, dry-humping, done right, should be performed with vigor, the type that results in a little sweat and a lot of talking dirty. In this case, you don't want something too loose or too coarse, because you'll start chafing at about the ten-minute mark. You don't want to be 1/3 of the way around only to discover that the chafe-monster will be making an early appearance. Likewise, since you'll be sweating like a whore in church, you'll want something breathable, made of materials that wick away moisture.
As a one-time self-proclaimed dry-humping champion of Pittsburgh, PA, I've never gone wrong with a pair of 100% cotton sweatpants and a training top made with something fancy-sounding like Microweave or Gore-Tex. The important consideration is that you get superior moisture management with a slip-on feel for added comfort. If you're getting freaky in colder climes, you'll also want maximum thermal protection during your dry-hump. It may be hot and heavy for that half hour, but it'll get cold when you're done.
Mind you, the clothes shouldn't fit too tight, as the mark of a practiced dry-humper is creativity in movement. If you find yourself restricted by your attire, you may want to think about investing in some performance gear.
Another thing you may want to think about is setting the mood. Most of the time, you won't be able to plan your dry-hump, as these things tend to be a bit spontaneous, and if done right, a bit frantic as well, but you might be able to, on occasion, put on some music and get your parents out of the house (for those of you who still live at home). In these situations, may I suggest that you have some Metallica on hand, or, if you and your partner are planning on getting really nasty, some NIN, Slipknot, or Marilyn Manson. The key is that the music matches the mood of your dry-humping, so if you're really disturbed, you can put on some Mannheim Steamroller or perhaps even Enya; just don't tell your friends about it because they'll think that you're pretty much a loser. Also, absolutely no Journey or Styx: you want to dry-hump again, don't you?
 Pets can do it too! |
Dry-humping to the sweet, sweet sounds of REO Speedwagon may differentiate you from the dry-humping schlubs out there, but while the mark of a good dry-humper is creativity in movement, a great dry-humper knows how to incorporate inanimate objects into his/her repertoire. For example, I prefer furniture e.g. chandeliers, night-stands, and beanbag chairs to highlight my personal dry-humping style, others will go with consumer durables (e.g., refrigerators and air conditioning units) or kitchenware (e.g., relish trays and breakfast caddies). The point is that you should find props that make you comfortable, and differentiate you from everyone else. You want him/her to come back for rounds 2, 3, and 4? Well he/she is not going to come back for some uninspired dry-humping: you have only one chance to wow him/her - don't blow it.
Now that I've armed you with some serious dry-humping info, you're almost ready to embark on a marathon humping session, with the exception that, before you engage in this most under-rated act of physical intimacy, you should be in peak condition. For me, this means that I put in a solid eighty minutes of work-out time every day: twenty with resistance-training, and sixty with low-impact cardio. Some people emphasize strength and so spend more time with the weights; I place a greater premium on intensity and endurance so spend less time lifting and more time running. You should find the right balance for you.
Lastly, like anything else, there are appropriate times and places to get your dry-hump on. I've included a table highlighting some common and not-so-common venues; use it with discretion. The great thing about dry-humping is that it's pretty much legal anywhere and everywhere; but just because you can doesn't mean that you should. Consider not only the immediate implications of your behavior, but also the context of your surroundings and the likelihood that you'll be arrested for gross and disorderly misconduct (even if 5-0 can't bust you for indecent exposure).
 Figure 1: When, Where, and With Whom to Dry-Hump |