GSB to Relocate Campus to South Beach
School Converts to 'Party School' Format, Names Will Smith's 'Miami' as Official Theme Song
Adam Ackerman
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: GSB News
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In a surprise press release issued today, Chicago GSB Dean Edward A. Snyder announced that the GSB would relocate its U.S. campus from Hyde Park to South Beach, Florida. The announcement comes on the heels of the GSB's recent decision to relocate its European campus from Barcelona to London. The move will take place during the summer of 2005 and will end the school's 107-year association with the city of Chicago. Borrowing a page from the playbook of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the school has rechristened itself "The Chicago GSB at South Beach." Dean Snyder explained the rationale for the move: "We believe we can capture an important strategic niche in the business school landscape by offering a first-rate education while leveraging South Beach's exciting, warm-weather location. Throughout history, attractive people and exotic locations have carried connotations of success, wealth and power. We want some of that too."
The Dean continued, "After the strong response to the move to London, we decided to capitalize on that momentum and get out of this frigid hellhole. Let's face it, Chicago is freaking freezing, and our campus is located in the middle of nowhere. By giving our students access to the South Beach scene, we will ensure that they are well adjusted socially. Back when I told the student body one of our principles was "Challenge by Choice," I never expected they would choose students so awkward and socially-challenged. Moving the school to South Beach will force them to adapt. Additionally, several students expressed concern that we were severing our ties to the Hispanic community by leaving Barcelona. The new SoBe campus will ensure our students maintain those ties, mainly by hitting on the boriquas in the clubs."
Incoming GBC Social Chair Anthony Feret echoed the Dean's remarks: "The South Beach campus will greatly enhance the GSB experience. The beaches and nightlife will create a new level of excitement and provide the community with new opportunities to bond together and develop long-lasting ties. Unfortunately I'll have to transfer to another school, since legally I'm not allowed to enter Miami-Dade County. Which reminds me, my advice to my classmates is to never drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and watch Scarface before heading out into the South Beach nightlife. There, you've got your stupid quote. Now where the hell is that Gentleman Jack you promised me?"
Once the administration voted to accept the warm-weather initiative, a Relocation Committee was formed to scout desirable locations and decide what to do with the Hyde Park Center. One committee member summed up the process for ChiBus: "Initially, I floated the idea of hiring a few of those really big helicopters to lift up the new building on cables and fly it to Florida. But that plan was discarded when I was informed those helicopters don't actually exist; they were apparently just something I saw in a movie once and thought were really cool."
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The Dean continued, "After the strong response to the move to London, we decided to capitalize on that momentum and get out of this frigid hellhole. Let's face it, Chicago is freaking freezing, and our campus is located in the middle of nowhere. By giving our students access to the South Beach scene, we will ensure that they are well adjusted socially. Back when I told the student body one of our principles was "Challenge by Choice," I never expected they would choose students so awkward and socially-challenged. Moving the school to South Beach will force them to adapt. Additionally, several students expressed concern that we were severing our ties to the Hispanic community by leaving Barcelona. The new SoBe campus will ensure our students maintain those ties, mainly by hitting on the boriquas in the clubs."
Incoming GBC Social Chair Anthony Feret echoed the Dean's remarks: "The South Beach campus will greatly enhance the GSB experience. The beaches and nightlife will create a new level of excitement and provide the community with new opportunities to bond together and develop long-lasting ties. Unfortunately I'll have to transfer to another school, since legally I'm not allowed to enter Miami-Dade County. Which reminds me, my advice to my classmates is to never drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and watch Scarface before heading out into the South Beach nightlife. There, you've got your stupid quote. Now where the hell is that Gentleman Jack you promised me?"
Once the administration voted to accept the warm-weather initiative, a Relocation Committee was formed to scout desirable locations and decide what to do with the Hyde Park Center. One committee member summed up the process for ChiBus: "Initially, I floated the idea of hiring a few of those really big helicopters to lift up the new building on cables and fly it to Florida. But that plan was discarded when I was informed those helicopters don't actually exist; they were apparently just something I saw in a movie once and thought were really cool."