Congress Accuses GSB Students of Taking Steroids
Pumping Iron at the GSB
Andrew Sharpe
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: GSB News
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In a dramatic widening of the US Congress investigations of steroids in Baseball, the committee will now investigate the potential use of specific brain-enhancing steroids. The news came to light after an unnamed senior executive of Paklan educational services tipped off the government investigators that the corporation had sold the steroids to eager potential students wanting to improve their GMAT score and business school applications.
"A course of the steroids could increase GMAT performance by as much as 100 points" the unnamed source has revealed.
The cut-throat and competitive nature of being admitted to the right business school has lead to a large industry aimed at improving potential students applications. "We never thought it would go this far" Dean Ned Tyder remarked to the press at O'Hare Airport as he boarded a plane to Washington to make his April 1st appearance.
Empirical studies suggest that a top business school can increase the potential salary of a student by more than 50% - more than the claimed additional salaries offered to baseball players who used steroids to increase their performance.
When asked about the spread of steroid use to business schools, former player Stark McFire said in a prepared statement, "I don't want to live in the past and think about the debilitating side effects steroid use has had on my sex life." It has been suggested that this may be one of the reasons the Chicago GSB has come under such close Congressional scrutiny.
The steroids, codenamed BBB (for Bigger Brain Booster) by Paklan, were discovered by accident as the company sought to find a drug to allow test-takers to remain alert during the long GMAT and other standardized tests. "When we stumbled onto BBB, we were delighted. Our test subjects could suddenly write essays that made sense and undertake simple addition, like 5 plus 6, without a calculator. This was what we at Paklan had been looking for!"
According to an unnamed source, while users of BBB take it for other tests, MBA applicants are by far the biggest users. The source went on to say, "It wasn't just all schools - there was an incredibly high statistical correlation between the users and students that had the Chicago GSB as their first choice."
The news struck the GSB community with mixed reaction. One unnamed student remarked, "How do you think I could have gotten into this school? BBB is great and I continue to use it to this day," before squeezing his enlarged head through the double doors of lecture hall C03.
Another student said, "I am appalled. I got here through blood, sweat, and tears ... and a perilous canoe ride across the Pacific Ocean from India, only to find out that other people got in because they could afford BBB ... outrageous!"
It is anticipated that Dean Tyder will be asked about his knowledge of the taking of BBB for admissions and whether students are still taking the drug. He vehemently denied making the following remark when the issue first came to light in 2001: "BBB is investment grade!" Indeed, the Dean has stated that he first heard rumors of the steroid-use in 2003 and dismissed them as gossip created by lesser MBA institutions to harm the prestige of the GSB.
When ChiBus questioned the Admissions office to enquire if mandatory drug testing would be a new admission pre-requisite, we received a terse reply saying that they were in protracted negotiations with the Prospective Student Union. However, they claimed they were attempting other ways to circumvent the use of BBB by creating essay questions that sought to identify the prospective students' ability to think outside of just having a bigger brain.
When asked about the likelihood of current students continuing to use BBB, Dean Snyder reacted angrily by saying, "What, with Grade Non-Disclosure they still need to take steroids? What more do we need to do? Put everyone on the Dean's List?"
Arousing further suspicions about the ongoing usage was the recent sale of the Ida Noyes building to Paklan Enterprises by the University of Chicago. An unnamed source at the university said, "When they drive a truck-load of money up to the Bursar's Office, what can we do? Say no? They promised to conduct further neurological testing through the school's labs and The Lab School."
Incoming GBC President, May Drive, promised to act hastily to identify BBB takers and impose harsh penalties, including "A warning for a first offence, being barred from the Student Study for one week for a second offence, and being barred for two weeks from the Study for each subsequent offence."
She went on to say, "Although these penalties seem lenient, they were the best we could do with the continued opposition from IBG."
"A course of the steroids could increase GMAT performance by as much as 100 points" the unnamed source has revealed.
The cut-throat and competitive nature of being admitted to the right business school has lead to a large industry aimed at improving potential students applications. "We never thought it would go this far" Dean Ned Tyder remarked to the press at O'Hare Airport as he boarded a plane to Washington to make his April 1st appearance.
Empirical studies suggest that a top business school can increase the potential salary of a student by more than 50% - more than the claimed additional salaries offered to baseball players who used steroids to increase their performance.
When asked about the spread of steroid use to business schools, former player Stark McFire said in a prepared statement, "I don't want to live in the past and think about the debilitating side effects steroid use has had on my sex life." It has been suggested that this may be one of the reasons the Chicago GSB has come under such close Congressional scrutiny.
The steroids, codenamed BBB (for Bigger Brain Booster) by Paklan, were discovered by accident as the company sought to find a drug to allow test-takers to remain alert during the long GMAT and other standardized tests. "When we stumbled onto BBB, we were delighted. Our test subjects could suddenly write essays that made sense and undertake simple addition, like 5 plus 6, without a calculator. This was what we at Paklan had been looking for!"
According to an unnamed source, while users of BBB take it for other tests, MBA applicants are by far the biggest users. The source went on to say, "It wasn't just all schools - there was an incredibly high statistical correlation between the users and students that had the Chicago GSB as their first choice."
The news struck the GSB community with mixed reaction. One unnamed student remarked, "How do you think I could have gotten into this school? BBB is great and I continue to use it to this day," before squeezing his enlarged head through the double doors of lecture hall C03.
Another student said, "I am appalled. I got here through blood, sweat, and tears ... and a perilous canoe ride across the Pacific Ocean from India, only to find out that other people got in because they could afford BBB ... outrageous!"
It is anticipated that Dean Tyder will be asked about his knowledge of the taking of BBB for admissions and whether students are still taking the drug. He vehemently denied making the following remark when the issue first came to light in 2001: "BBB is investment grade!" Indeed, the Dean has stated that he first heard rumors of the steroid-use in 2003 and dismissed them as gossip created by lesser MBA institutions to harm the prestige of the GSB.
When ChiBus questioned the Admissions office to enquire if mandatory drug testing would be a new admission pre-requisite, we received a terse reply saying that they were in protracted negotiations with the Prospective Student Union. However, they claimed they were attempting other ways to circumvent the use of BBB by creating essay questions that sought to identify the prospective students' ability to think outside of just having a bigger brain.
When asked about the likelihood of current students continuing to use BBB, Dean Snyder reacted angrily by saying, "What, with Grade Non-Disclosure they still need to take steroids? What more do we need to do? Put everyone on the Dean's List?"
Arousing further suspicions about the ongoing usage was the recent sale of the Ida Noyes building to Paklan Enterprises by the University of Chicago. An unnamed source at the university said, "When they drive a truck-load of money up to the Bursar's Office, what can we do? Say no? They promised to conduct further neurological testing through the school's labs and The Lab School."
Incoming GBC President, May Drive, promised to act hastily to identify BBB takers and impose harsh penalties, including "A warning for a first offence, being barred from the Student Study for one week for a second offence, and being barred for two weeks from the Study for each subsequent offence."
She went on to say, "Although these penalties seem lenient, they were the best we could do with the continued opposition from IBG."
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