Mike Against the Green Machine
Back from Japan, and Mad as Hell
Mike Rosen
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: GSB Life
- Page 1 of 2 next >
The Green Machine is a most serious threat to the environment, human dignity and everything decent that we might or might not care about. It is time for our interventionist government to do something. Ban it. Tax it. Toss them all out of an airplane. I don't know, but I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any more.
First of all, this is a kids' product. What do kids associate with Green? I associated Green with the Hulk. Call your product Green, and you get a little positive Marketing spin. I don't know about you, but I was mighty disappointed when I didn't see the Hulk riding around on one of these in his movie. Do you think the Hulk gets licensing fees for this blatant rip-off of his brand image? I don't think so! Do you think this makes the Hulk mad? I wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Another part of the insidious nature of this product is the implication that a machine can be Green. For those of you from Mars, Green is also supposed to imply energy efficient. Is this a ploy by Big Oil to convince you that cars are energy efficient too? Or the Big Candy lobby? The only reason these things don't require any gas is because little Timmy has eaten twenty candy bars, and his legs are doing all the work. What kind of Green is that?
If this is not enough, Huffy mocks the product safety industry with a tagline of, "Warning, vehicle could cause spinouts, resulting in serious fun!" Oh right. You cause a spinout. The Gooch sees it. He beats you up. Takes your lunch money. Steals your Green Machine. And gives you a wedgie. (Sorry, the censors wouldn't let me post a photo of that.) What kind of fun is that?
And let's get serious about the safety issue at hand. You see how low that thing rides? Most self respecting Moms won't let their kid ride one of those things around the filthy streets of suburbia without attaching one of those dorkbrained looking flags on the back so you won't get hit by a car. My Mom certainly did. Was the Green Machine cool after that? I don't think so! You don't see Mad Max riding around chopping people's arms off in a motorcycle with a friggin' flag hanging off the back. But at least the Gooch didn't want to steal it after that. But he'd still take my lunch money.
First of all, this is a kids' product. What do kids associate with Green? I associated Green with the Hulk. Call your product Green, and you get a little positive Marketing spin. I don't know about you, but I was mighty disappointed when I didn't see the Hulk riding around on one of these in his movie. Do you think the Hulk gets licensing fees for this blatant rip-off of his brand image? I don't think so! Do you think this makes the Hulk mad? I wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Another part of the insidious nature of this product is the implication that a machine can be Green. For those of you from Mars, Green is also supposed to imply energy efficient. Is this a ploy by Big Oil to convince you that cars are energy efficient too? Or the Big Candy lobby? The only reason these things don't require any gas is because little Timmy has eaten twenty candy bars, and his legs are doing all the work. What kind of Green is that?
If this is not enough, Huffy mocks the product safety industry with a tagline of, "Warning, vehicle could cause spinouts, resulting in serious fun!" Oh right. You cause a spinout. The Gooch sees it. He beats you up. Takes your lunch money. Steals your Green Machine. And gives you a wedgie. (Sorry, the censors wouldn't let me post a photo of that.) What kind of fun is that?
And let's get serious about the safety issue at hand. You see how low that thing rides? Most self respecting Moms won't let their kid ride one of those things around the filthy streets of suburbia without attaching one of those dorkbrained looking flags on the back so you won't get hit by a car. My Mom certainly did. Was the Green Machine cool after that? I don't think so! You don't see Mad Max riding around chopping people's arms off in a motorcycle with a friggin' flag hanging off the back. But at least the Gooch didn't want to steal it after that. But he'd still take my lunch money.