Big Ten, Here We Come
UC Move Spurred by Illini Envy
Praveen Mellacheruvu
Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: GSB Life
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The University of Chicago officials shocked the varsity community today by announcing that the University is going to exercise its option to re-enter the Big Ten conference. The University officials mentioned the following as some reasons why this step is being taken:
1. The increasing popularity of Illini Basketball and the resulting anonymity of the University of Chicago, even among the local populace.
2. The drive to change the general spirit of the University from "Where The Fun Comes to Die" to something like "Dude, we won the Woman's Lacrosse Championship, dude! Wow! National Championship, yeah!"
3. The University officials also felt that developing a sports program again would bring in a more diverse set of students including egotistical student athletes, their groupies and posses and hordes of fans who have nothing else to do other than paint their faces in school colors.
4. And lastly, the most important financial reason, the increased revenue that would be used to fund the bloated business school budget and also sponsor daily LPFs.
There were a wide variety of reactions from the school community on this news ranging from bewilderment ("What the heck is the NCAA?"), to curious interest ("Is figure skating included in the NCAA?"), to passion ("We are going to kick Ohio State's ass, yeah!").
Speaking of Ohio State, the school decided that the football program has to be exclusively drawn from the business school, as they did not want people from the other schools and the college participating and injuring themselves. They believe that since business school students spend almost their entire day either talking about recruiting or sports, considering that they add no value to society as bankers or consultants and hence have no risk of injury, they should form most of the football team. This has struck pangs of fear into some business school students who are looking forward to Sales and Trading recruiting this coming October and not high ankle sprains.
1. The increasing popularity of Illini Basketball and the resulting anonymity of the University of Chicago, even among the local populace.
2. The drive to change the general spirit of the University from "Where The Fun Comes to Die" to something like "Dude, we won the Woman's Lacrosse Championship, dude! Wow! National Championship, yeah!"
3. The University officials also felt that developing a sports program again would bring in a more diverse set of students including egotistical student athletes, their groupies and posses and hordes of fans who have nothing else to do other than paint their faces in school colors.
4. And lastly, the most important financial reason, the increased revenue that would be used to fund the bloated business school budget and also sponsor daily LPFs.
There were a wide variety of reactions from the school community on this news ranging from bewilderment ("What the heck is the NCAA?"), to curious interest ("Is figure skating included in the NCAA?"), to passion ("We are going to kick Ohio State's ass, yeah!").
Speaking of Ohio State, the school decided that the football program has to be exclusively drawn from the business school, as they did not want people from the other schools and the college participating and injuring themselves. They believe that since business school students spend almost their entire day either talking about recruiting or sports, considering that they add no value to society as bankers or consultants and hence have no risk of injury, they should form most of the football team. This has struck pangs of fear into some business school students who are looking forward to Sales and Trading recruiting this coming October and not high ankle sprains.